WITBD: Somebody You're Attracted to is Already in a Committed Romantic Relationship

There they were, just’a walkin’ down the street, singin’ “Do-a-ditty, ditty-dum, ditty-do!” Snappin their fingers and stompin’ to the beat, singin’ “Do-a-ditty, ditty-dum, ditty-do!” They looked good... They looked fine... They looked good, they looked fine, then I... Found out that they were already in a committed romantic relationship...

            If this has never happened to you, then congratulations, you’ve never been single. As for the rest of us, the question becomes: When you find out that someone you’re attracted to is already in a committed romantic relationship, What is to be done?!? Nothing? Something? Something Hoffmanesque?

Let’s run through the requisite questions.

First, those questions that beget information it’s best for us to ferret-out before hand in the name of just knowing enough:

            Question #1: Are you yourself single? If your answer is “No” and you’re getting all hot’n’bothered watching people walk down the street, so to speak, then you’ve probably got some very real relationship Q&A of your own to conduct. If your answer is “Yes,” then proceed to...

Question #2: Is the person married? Do they have a wedding-band on their finger or do you know--first/second/third-hand--that they’re married? If the answer to this question is “Yes” (and their marriage is not an open/polygamist one), then, in my opinion, you’ve entered into the realm of forever holding your “peace” (i.e., I can’t/won’t help you adulterate). If the answer is “No,” then proceed to...

            Question #3: Is the person who’s got you all hot’n’bothered in a committed romantic relationship with someone you yourself know? If your answer is “Yes,” then the question becomes how do you know them? Family member? Friend? Coworker? Acquaintance? Enemy?

The reason the answer to this question matters should be obvious: It will by and large determine the blast radius/fallout of the action you’re entertaining, e.g., if  you try and steal--and it is stealing, sort’a (well get back to this)--your brother’s girlfriend or boyfriend, then expect some nuclear-type sh*t:

If your answer is “No” or “Yes, but I don’t have any real meaningful connection with the other person,” then proceed to...
            Question #4: How attracted are you to the person who’s got you all H&B’d? Is it like a one-prong attraction, i.e., either physical, emotional, intellectual, playful, or spiritual. Or is it multi-prong (intellectual-playful-physical, e.g.)?

If your answer to this question is “One-prong,” then proceed more/less without my blessing, i.e., with my “Really? You’re going to jeopardize another person’s committed romantic relationship for whatever your personal-equivalent to a nice booty is?!?” If your answer is “At least two,” then proceed with my blessing/caution to...

            Question #5: What kind of C.R.R. is the person who’s got you all H&B’d in? Good one? Bad one? Violent one? Long-term? Short-term? If you truly have no means of accessing such information (e.g., if the person in question is a total stranger in a relationship with another total stranger), that’s OK, but try and find out as you go, just to know enough.

If you do have means of accessing such information, then do. And be honest, i.e., if their relationship is a good one, then go forward with that knowledge (“I’m willing to jeopardize a good relationship!”). If it’s a bad one, then go forward with that knowledge. If it’s a violent one, well, then you should probably contact the police.

            On to the questions that have less to do with just knowing-enough and more to do with determining the moral-status of the action we’re entertaining:
            Question #6 (The Big One): Do you consider pursuing someone who’s already in a committed romantic relationship to be “Wrong” or “Evil”?

Before you answer this question for yourself, let’s run it through a variation on Kant’s mechanism for determining the potential wrongness of a given action. According to Kant, we can determine whether we should not undertake a given course of action if it would (1) lead to ANARCHY:

 

And (2) if it disrespects the autonomy of other human beings.

So, if everyone actively pursued the people they were hot’n’bothered by regardless of whether/not those people were already in committed romantic relationships, would that spell the end of committed romantic relationships the world over? Would it undercut their very possibility and thereby bring about the C.R.R.-equivalent of dogs and cats living together?!?

Let’s imagine that we’re the ones in the C.R.R. and that someone else is H&B’d by us. Let’s imagine that this someone comes up to us and says, “Hey, I’m single, you’re not married, you’re not dating a close friend of mine, I’ve got a serious, like, three-pronged romantic interest in you--physical, physical, and more physical--and, yeah, from what I’ve gathered your present C.R.R. seems like a pretty good one, but... I just wanted to let you know that if you’re interested in jumping ship or just seeing what another ship looks like, you know, like going to a boat-expo or something, well...”

Would we or would we not be free to say just about whatever we wanted in response to such a proposition--e.g., “Sure, my present C.R.R. is THE PITS... I think there’s a motel right down the street!” or, “No, sorry, thanks, my partner’s abusive, but I’m kind’a into it. It’s an S&M thing,” or, “F*ck you, get the h*ll away from me with your stupid/creepy boat-expo analogy!”--and, therefore, decide to either affirm or deny our present committed romantic relationship?

Regarding the question of whether or not the course of action we’re considering undertaking would lead to ANARCHY within the world of committed romantic relationships, the answer seems to be “No, not necessarily,” because the people were interested in might have little/no interest in us.

As to the question of whether or not the course of action we’re considering might disrespect the autonomy--ability to self-legislate--of another human being, well, let’s take a look at it: If we proposition someone in the fashion conjured above, are we taking away the person’s ability to say “Yey” or “Ney” for themselves and their C.R.R.? I don’t think so (see above)...

I can hear someone crying out: But what about the other person in the committed romantic relationship?!? The partner or S.O. or lover... What about disrespecting them? Aren’t we, in effect, talking about stealing someone from them and isn’t that pretty frickin' disrespectful!?!

The dictionary.com definition of stealing is: To take the property of another or others without permission or right, especially secretly or by force. Last time I checked, being in a C.R.R. does not make the privy parties the property of each other (at least, not in most areas of the good ol' U.S. of A). So we’re not talking about stealing...

Let’s imagine, for a moment, that we’re the other person in the committed romantic relationship. Now let’s imagine that our partner/S.O./lover comes to us one day and tells us something like, “Hey, so, this weirdo came up to me and started talking to me about boat-expos and prongs... Super weird... I love you snookums!” Or, heck, let’s imagine that our partner tells us, “Hey, so, I got an offer today, an offer I can’t refuse... I’m breaking up with you.”

In either scenario, can it be argued that the other person's ability to self-legislate and either affirm/deny their C.R.R. for themselves is hampered? Even in the case of the latter scenario, the other person would still have the ability to say “Wait just one gosh-darned minute! I love you, snookums, doesn’t that mean anything!?! Yeah, things haven’t been going well lately, I know, but...”

            From a Kantian perspective, then, the course of action we’re entertaining cannot be said to be “Wrong” or “Evil.” It neither necessarily leads to anarchy nor does it disrespect the autonomy of our fellows. That said, if your answer to Question #6 is still “Yes, I think it’s Wrong/Evil,” then I’m curious why you’ve even made it this far. If your answer is either “No, long live Kant the provocateur!" or "No, all’s fair in love and... basketball,” then go on to...

Question #7: What the heck should I do? In the opinion of yours truly, I think something like, “Hey, I’m single, you’re not married, you’re not dating a close friend of mine, I’ve got a serious, like, three-pronged romantic interest in you and, yeah, from what I’ve gathered your present C.R.R. seems like a pretty good one, but... I just wanted to let you know that if you’re interested,” is a good place to start. And while I can’t advise you regarding the time/place to deliver such a potentially explosive proposition, I can tell you to that you should probably leave out any/all boat-expo analogies.

Oh, and, last but not least: Question #8: How do you feel about getting your a$$ kicked? I'm just asking...