Wait... But how do you know? How do you know that the answer to “And you know what that means, don’t you?” is “Bachelor parties” and not “Getting drunk with people’s parents!” or “My friend Troy performing Al Pacino’s halftime speech from Any Given Sunday, pretty much verbatim, from memory!” or “I’m starting to worry about getting old and being alone, FOREVER”?
According to Wikipedia--In Which We Trust--a bachelor party is “A party held for a bachelor shortly before he enters marriage, to make the most of his final opportunity to engage in activities a new partner might not approve of”. And you know which activities these are, don’t you? DON’T YOU! Wait, but how do you know that the activities that will most likely be “engaged in” in the name of “making the most” of ones “final opportunity” to engage in them are (1) drinking in/to excess:
And (2) strippers:
HOW (THE H*LL) DO YOU KNOW?!?
Here are my questions: Why are strippers and drinking in/to excess the two activities that will obviously be engaged in during bachelor parties’? Or, asked differently, why are these the activities that we’ve agreed make the most of somebody’s final night as a bachelor? Like, how is it sooo damn obvious that these are the two activities that really make the most of what Wikipedia ominously calls a bachelor's Final Opportunity?
OK, rather than pussyfoot around and act like I haven’t made my mind up about the whole bachelor-party thing, I’m just gonna' Cut Right To It:
First, drinking in/to excess doesn’t make the most of ones Final Opportunity, at least, not by itself; and second, neither do strippers. And further, deep down, everybody knows this.
How do I know the first part to be true? Because nobody needs to give up drinking when they get married, or even drinking in/to excess (like, most of my buddies won’t actually be giving up drinking in/to excess when they get married, I PROMISE). And, if anyone does need to give up drinking it’s probably because they just need to Give It Up, Period.
Most of the Would-Be-Wedded don’t need to give up getting drunk, but rather need to give up one of the things that drinking in/to excess has, can, and tends to facilitate... Do you know what I’m talking about? I bet you do. In the event that you don’t, I’ll give you a hint: It’s not anything as utterly meaningless as what transpires between strippers and their clientele. (Sorry, those of you who think the relations/connections that are purchased at strip clubs are Real and not just that, purchased, i.e., relations without any obligations exceeding those of the financial exchange that created the "relation"/"connection".)
What’s something that excessive drinking has, can, and will continue to lead to that you think maybe you’d have to give up if you were to get married according to non-polygamal parameters? Well, of course, having sex with people other than your beloved. But what if sex is just one possible consequence in a whole series of antecedents, one of which may be alcohol--alcohol is, primarily, a facilitator--that must also be given up? What if sex is just something on the Far End of a whole spectrum that, once wed, is sort’a kind’a verboten, and understandably so? Interest, curiosity, desire. Furtive glances. Doubt. Insecurity. The summoning of Courage. Initial approaches. Awkward exchanges. More doubt and insecurity, perhaps. Provocative and invigorating, stimulating, conversation. Not-quite-accidental touch. A caress here, a caress there. A secluded walk. Some anxious texts. Some sexy texts. A connection, rife with the excitement of possibility instead of the tedium of actuality. The hopes/dreams of something different--different tastes and smells and stories and proclivities and commitments and values. A kiss. A relationship, but one of the non-friendly, non-professional variety. One which might tend towards sex, but which also tends towards strong feeling and History and obligations and trust, the very particular human experience of forming a new world with another human being...
Isn’t it the possibility of all the above, but with other people, that we’re supposed to give up if/when we wed (assuming we’re not polygamists)? And doesn’t all of the above come nowhere near occurrence between my good buddies, when they’re knuckle-dragging drunk, and strippers? Which begs the question: Is drinking to excess and partying with strippers really what it means to make the most of ones Final Opportunity to be a bachelor? Be honest...
In light of All This, what do I propose? A different kind of bachelor party. A bachelor party that actually makes the most of ones final evening of bachelordom. A bachelor party that I can’t imagine anyone--either of the betrothed--actually wanting (or agreeing to, for that matter, because perhaps they do want it...). The following is my vision of a real bachelor party:
- It’s got to be set in/at house-party, not a bar-party (albeit, perhaps bars can be visited early in the evening).
- The house in which it’s set can’t be one of the bachelor’s good-buddies houses, i.e., the house needs to be one w/which the bachelor is unfamiliar.
- Most of the guests at the house party (with the exception of a few close friends, probably only the bachelor’s groomsmen, maybe) must be strangers to/for the bachelor.
- A significant number (5-10) of the guests at the house-party must be people in whom the bachelor might be able to develop a romantic interest (e.g., my buddy Nate would have a bachelor party stocked with, primarily, red-heads; my buddy Matt, short blonds; me, feisty intellectuals).
- The drink of choice, i.e., the one/only drink at the party, must be some “jungle-juice” equivalent, i.e., a high-alcohol, All Too Easy to Drink, drink.
- There must be a dance-floor, preferably a dark one, preferably in a basement.
- There must be a good DJ.
- There must be places in/out of the house in which deep/meaningful conversations can occur w/out interference...
- Perhaps have one or two of the bachelor’s ex’s--only ones for whom the bachelor still has some positive feelings--attend the party, staggered over the course of the evening.
- Make sure that the bachelor doesn’t need to worry about getting home.
- Provide food, at some point, but not too much.
- Have there be a second party that can be transitioned to, at some point.
- Have one of the bachelor's good buddies hold his cellphone for the evening.
Too complicated.
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