--meltdown. That said, I definitely think that Dark of the Moon is the best of the two M.B. helmed Transformers movies, and I’d definitely fork over some more of my hard-earned dollars to see it again while it’s in theaters. That said, I’m also a died in the die-cast metal Transformers fan who owns the entirety of (and regularly watches) the U.S. cartoon series that began back in my birth year (‘84, b*tches!), has watched the original, animated, f’n-rocking Transformers: The Movie--
--like 2,346 times, owns (and semi-regularly... OK, regularly plays with) in excess of 100 of the G1 toys, and really-truly-madly-deeply wanted to be a transformer when he was a young boy (between the ages of 3-27). Yeah, I’m a fan. However, this doesn’t mean that I’m incapable of (feigning) objectivity in my assessment of Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
Dark of the Moon suffers from a number of the same problems as its predecessor: convoluted plot, underdeveloped transformer-characters (I actually know how this problem could have been avoided, but then M.B. and co. would have to go back and start from scratch, which Hasbro if you're reading this and looking for someone to write TF 4...); crappy human-characters (sorry Shia fans and fans of that Asian guy from The Hangover and anyone who has mad-respect for John Turturro); unnecessary romance (sorry fans of the girl who’s, thankfully, not Megan Fox); and a seemingly pathological unwillingness or inability on the part of the writers (which in the case of D.M. is Hollywood-lifer/hack Ehren Kruger) and director (M.B.) to pass up any/all opportunities to insert lame and typically mildly offensive jokes (which are almost universally offensive to both ones comical and ethical sensibilities, simultaneously--which is actually kind of hard to consistently pull-off, if you think about it).
However, what Dark of the Moon gets right, it gets pretty f’ing right: Laser Beak is terrifying and cool (I was really pissed at the outcome of the fight between L.B. and Shia, I’ll tell you that much...); the Decepticon siege of Chi-Town (awesome); the fact the Decepticons try to use the SPACE BRIDGE (!!!); a number of the chase scenes (I loved the highway scene where the dog-like Decepticons chase Bumble Bee and Shia); the super-sleazy Patrick Dempsey (who brought to the mind of yours truly another humanoid who forsook humanity in an allegiance with the Decepticons, Dr. Arkeville); the whole moon-race revisionist history thing (which actually helps make sense of the real moon-race, you know? Otherwise... The moon? Really? How many ba-jillion dollars were spent to get there before the Russkies?!?); no Megan Fox (the next Marilyn Monroe? Please!); and, last but not least, the humans doing the whole squirrel-glide thing into said Decepticon-sieged Chicago (I know what my Make-A-Wish would be... Squirrel-glide into Decepticon-sieged Chicago! Did I just make a joke that was mildly offensive on both an ethical and a comedic level? Wow, that was hard to do!).
In light of everything I think M. Bay and co. did right in Dark of the Moon I’d like to conclude this review by reiterating that yours truly would be willing to fork over even more of his hard-earned money to see it again in theaters; I'd also like to take this opportunity to share my favorite image of M. Bay, the undeniable steward of the Transformers for the past 10 years (may he live a little bit longer and proper, mildly):
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